I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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