Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
she smelled like a LAN party
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
