He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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