half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
