just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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