They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I currently don't understand fingers.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
