I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
