I have demons in me.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
