Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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