Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
