Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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