Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
