I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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