Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
