i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
