Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
