I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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