So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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