I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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