I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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