this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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