I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
