Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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