I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
