Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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