I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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