mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
