i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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