Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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