if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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