I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
