ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
