this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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