I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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