i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
