I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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