I'm going to jail i love you
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
This is my gift to your gina
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
