Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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