Where is the hickey?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
