The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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