Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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