i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
