i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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