What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
