i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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