My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
