Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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