he wants to bone in the snuggie
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
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we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
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Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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