i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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