everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
