You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
