theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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