So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.