I will die if light touches me.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes