I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me