Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
