Define "chronic" masturbator.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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