What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
