dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
